It occurred to me recently that I learnt a lot of useless crap while I was at school. Don’t get me wrong, I also learnt a lot of good stuff too but every day I seem to be faced with a new dilemma that I have no idea how to tackle and I really think they need to adjust the curriculum to make sure future generations don’t suffer like me.
Here’s the ten things that I really could have done with knowing before I attempted to be a grown-up.
1. How to cut a butternut squash without killing yourself. I have resorted to buying it in bags from the freezer section in Tesco because, y’know, I’m quite attached to my limbs.
2. Similarly, how to cook just enough rice or pasta for the number you are catering for. Hands up everyone who has considered hosting a street party with the leftovers from their spaghetti bolognese or curry night? *raises hand* Is it even POSSIBLE to cook anything other than far too much?
3. How to put socks on a toddler. You think I’m kidding but wait until you’ve tried it for yourself. Changing a disgusting nappy or waking up 34 times a night is nothing compared to how stressful it is trying to get chubby little feet into socks that always seem to have shrunk since last time. Now imagine the chubby little feet are trying to break as many bones in your body as possible. Yeah. It’s hard.
4. What the little care labels inside clothes actually mean. I understand the number is the temperature and I have memorised the mantra ‘if it ain’t dirty, wash on 30’ so I’m halfway there but I haven’t got a clue when it comes to all the little squiggles and triangles so I just wash everything on a cotton wash and then complain when it all goes wrong.
5. How to make a nice cup of tea or coffee. I don’t like hot drinks but I keep teabags and a jar of coffee in the flat in case of visitors. Despite this when a visitor actually, er, visits I try to see how long I can go without offering them a drink because I have no idea what I’m doing. Most people are too polite to ask for one.
6. How to kick someone out of your home without causing offence. I hate it when people overstay their welcome. Sometimes I just want to go to bed at 9.00pm and there they are sitting on my sofa, not drinking a hot drink. I’ve tried dropping subtle hints or yawning but it never seems to work. Is there a knack to this?
7. How to sign my name without it looking like a 5-year-old just scribbled on my important documents. My original signature had a heart over the I in my surname and nobody ever told me that this was stupid. Why?!
8. Things you should have in your pantry at all times. I feel incredibly silly when I am looking up recipes and they say something along the lines of ‘…most of these are things you will already have in your cupboard’ and I’m like WOAH, hold on a second! The only thing in my cupboards are baked beans.
9. How to iron clothes without ending up with more creases than you started with. Sigh. I don’t even own and iron anymore, I just wear the clothes until the creases drop out. Chic.
10. How to wean yourself off choux buns. It’s becoming a problem.